The Thing I Don’t Talk About the Most

This is (less and less, admittedly) a knitting and handspinning blog. I’ve had a different blog for some other things, but this is something I would like to use to write about all of me and how what I do for fun and art affects that. Vice versa as well.

It’s tough to talk about this, so I’ll just come out and say it. This is not a shock to some of my Ravelry friends – not all, but some – or my Twitter friends. I have been battling depression for all my adult life. It started in my Happy Teenage Years, and wasn’t helped by our move the summer before 10th grade. Depression appears to be hereditary in my family, but I can’t be certain. Some days/weeks/months are better than others. I appear to be affected by the lack of light in our Northern Hemisphere winters, but sometimes that doesn’t have anything to do with it either. It just feels like…Like nothing. Like I’ve fallen into a void that is impossible to leave, and the only thing there is to do is nothing. On a bad day, I celebrate getting out of bed. On a good day, I’m just like normal-ish people. Frankly, I’ve given up on normal a long time ago, so normal-ish will do nicely.

I will also say that this has NOTHING AT ALL IN ANY WAY TO DO WITH MY BEING A GOTH. Nope. Looking back, I’ve always been attracted to the macabre since I was a child. When I feel happy and confident, I wear black and/or my favorite band T-shirts. If I’m feeling awful, I reach for red, blue and purple.

If I’m feeling bad enough, I really don’t want to do anything. At all. No social media, no blogging, nothing. At my worst I don’t even pick up a drop spindle (which really is the end of the world). By that time I should probably be steered away from sharp objects and the pill drawer. Sort of a joke.

What helps? For me – and only me, I don’t presume to tell anybody else how to deal – meds help. Sometimes they don’t help completely, but that doesn’t mean they do nothing. Exercise helps, preferably outside. Of course, when I need it the most I find all sorts of reasons to stay inside. Music helps. It’s the one thing that always helps, if even a little bit. Music has quite literally kept me alive when I didn’t have any other reason to keep going. At my worst, though, it’s not always enough.

The reason I’m writing about this now? I think I’m starting to slip backwards. It’s nothing dire, today. If you feel like you too might have a problem with depression, please go find somebody to talk to. Something that’s also helping me is Twitter. Since I found “The Bloggess Tribe”, a bunch of regular readers/commenters at The Bloggess/Jenny Lawson, it’s helped a lot. Just knowing that somebody else is struggling too makes things a little less awful.

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